Alright, here it goes.
I am missing you more than I can express in words. Missing you more than I really want to. Missing you more than I should.
I have tried numbing my mind to it all. Just hoping to stay away from it all. It worked to a large extent – but hell, no one can work 24/7 and no one can put up a pretense 24/7.
Every vacant second, every breathing moment I have lived in remembrance of our time, stolen moments. Pure innocent moments, nothing wrong in that. It helped me smile now and then, it helped me move forward without much of a frown. Apparently I have run out on the power of the memories and am in need of replenishment. But I cannot be selfish. More importantly, for all I know you have moved on far beyond.
I do know, or I do believe, I cannot have you for so many varying reasons. For one, it would be so weirdly odd for me and for you.Two, I really am not the right person for you even if you could be the right person for me – that also I don’t really know. And three, I am not sure this want, this need, this crave is mutual or not. Four, I just am not the right person for you. I guess I said that before! But yes, this is something that repeats. Five, I don’t believe I can ever be free. Sigh! I want a miracle to happen. I am in a vacuum with such power unmatched even to my strong willpower. Damn! Why do I have to be so conscientious! My siblings are right. I am just a goody-two-shoes who tries in vain.
The all-knowing, all-seeing, omnipresent Allah surely must know how I feel, how I crave, how I miss, how I need a kind generous heart like yours. And yet, I am being tested to such an extent. My patience is being abused. My resilience is under question. My sanity is eroding. There is nothing more I want right now other than to reach out, to do the unexpected of me being me. And yet, here I am writing this in thin air like a coward unable to face the world.
This is just me and my emotional turmoil. I don’t want you to know how much you have started to mean to me. And yet, I am not able to completely let go. Let’s just hope getting this out in black and white will help.