despair and confusion
rage and hatred
heart as dark as coal
mind as clouded as a storm
today of all days
i feel no calm within me
i feel no happiness
yet, i hear festivity around me
why am i not moved?
why am i shell-shocked
why am i angry at the world
why am i loathing my self
i know the answer
i hate her
hate her with a vengence
i hate him, even the sight
but it’s not me
not me to be so mean
i have compassion in me
i know i have, i tell me i have
but
but
what i feel now today
of all days today
this black heart
i am proved wrong
i have no faith in me
i don’t want to follow them
i don’t want to believe them
i don’t want to be like them
all pretentious, all going hoola ha
the merriment, the mirth
i believe it to be a show
them trying to be the righteous
but what am I?
am i not more pretentious
am i not humping just because
just because she leads
am i not hating her because i want to be like her
but she just rubs me the wrong way
the intolerance of her, sucks
but am i not being the intolerant person
am i not the person who cannot accept
cannot accept the way she dress
am i not the one who curses her under my breath
but oh God how I hate her and also him
both goodie two-shoes
and hypocrites too
i want to love Allah
on my own terms
but they make me turn away
but is that true?
is it just not me looking for excuses
excuses to do as i please
to pick and chose what i want to believe
my faith is under duress here
i believe in one God
i believe in Allah
but i don’t believe the show-off business i see
the weirdly bearded men, the full-veiled women
the mullahs who preach as all-knowing Gods
the fools who follow with lip service
for lip service i believe it to be
how could one who’s submissive to the preaching
wholeheartedly and so reverently
choose to hide the fact that her sister sinned
how could a father act as the noblest
after having molested his daughters
how could a mother act so nonchalant
and god-fearing after giving a blind eye
that enrages me. i want them to repent
i don’t want them to act so superior
when their footsteps are so soiled
i don’t want to be counted with them
them who just do it all for the world
but it might very well be their way of repenting?
not ready to accept it though
i want repentance out loud
i want everything in the open
but am i not being unreasonable?
am i not just going through a phase?
just enraged for whole other reasons
and finding a way to vent?
i don’t know
i just don’t feel at peace
i don’t feel at all festive. i want to scream
Oh mon amie? What happened?
Today’s supposed to b EID, right? Sorry to hear you are feeling gloomy.
Okay … Im going to send that yellow mermaid your way so that she can cheer you up!
.. Eid Mubrak, dear!!
The poem is great tho … it reflects your frustration so well! And I feel you!
thanks for the lovely Eid greeting
as for me and my mood, nothing really happened. It’s just that some people rubs me the wrong way esp with religion. Some people look down on others as if they themselves know it all and know who goes to hell and who goes to heaven etc etc
I hate to be told what to do … esp by people who has so much dirty secrets behind themselves… etc etc…\
I hate to hear humans preach as if they know it all as if they have never sinned as if they are the epitome of pureness …
there i go again. i guess i need a break from this crazy place
so glad i have this punching bag. atleast i can vent out without making enemies of my own kin
I don’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I get what you mean.
Pretensions are more important to them than acting the part. And denial is an ingrained habit. Why face your problems, when you can deny it happened instead? Convincing yourself of falsities becomes easy when you’re trained for it your whole life.
They will deny human nature itself, but indulge in everything in secret. Because God will forgive you as long as you pretend to be good.
what i read on your blog also says just about the same that goes on my mind.
denial and pretension … none other than Maldivians can excel on that department.
one of my sisters wears the full veil covering from head to toe except a slit for the eyes. she “transformed” almost a year ago … and still i am finding it difficult to digest that. to accept that.
to see humanity put so low. it just rubs me the wrong way that she eats and drinks through that piece of cloth. i mean we at home are sisters and brothers and our spouses and kids. but she finds it so haraam to eat with us just because people can see her face if she does that. God Damn … it just irks me to see her put her cup of tea or glass of juice inside her face veil … the image that i see just makes me want to puke…. makes me want to scream “for God’s sake woman – nobody is going to gobble you up for seeing your mouth”
and then yes. Eid prayer was something else… some people i know just went there because it was public, just to make an appearance… it needs to be the other way around. it needs to come from within…
but then again. maybe i am wrong…
Oh my dear friend, Amira. Such a very strong piece, but so well written.
You sound so angry and upset. I’m so sorry for your pain.
People who live double lives and then flaunt themselves about town…
Perhaps they cover it up and pretend to be “normal” in the eyes of the world, because they could not live with themselves if someone knew? I don’t know.
I wish I could help you feel better. But writing about it as eloquently as you did should help. xo
Judy,
yes i was angry. more angry than i should be. i felt as if i was suffocating…
but it’s not in me to show anger … i believe in live and let live philosophy.
i believe in being non judgmental of others … being respectful of others wishes.
but it just pushes me on the brink when others are judgmental of me and my liberal thoughts. Some people put Islam in such a narrow box that I cannot understand.
such intolerance and hypocrisy i see that it just angers me… But I guess it is human nature … whatever we look at we see intolerance.
Why can’t people just be non judgmental and embrace people they way they are.
My Eid was ruined to the most part.
But thankfully after venting out by writing it all out, I felt much better and the evening went alright
sometimes the best of eids is the one spent without all the pomp… slowly sipping something you love to drink and watching the sun set.
Very true dear.
I wish I could just leave all the people behind and have a lovely time conversing with nature
I admire your honesty & boldness Amira. So well written.
Much as you may not be upto it, I send you greetings for the day. Eid Mubarak.
Thank you for the lovely greeting Kavi
Yesterday I was too angry to even follow up with the SMS greetings.
That also annoyed me .. people send out bulk SMS to everyone on their contact list and it is just so impersonal.
But then again, nobody wants to miss out greeting anyone.
when i am not angry i understand it … the anger got the better of me yesterday.
I learn to be non-judgmental and just go with the flow
I pray for you and wish you all the happiness on Eid:
May the choicest
blessing of Allah
fill your life with
joy & happiness?
EID MUBARAK
What a lovely wish Dilipnaidu. thank you
Eid Mubarak Amira!
I am going to repeat the same thing. Wish you all the happiness and peace. Although your frustrations were visible, with this poem. Yet, it’s a very nicely written poem.
Thanks Arindam for the lovely visit and the words of comfort.
I am glad I wrote out my frustrations. it helped
It’s a good thing to get that anger out so it doesn’t eat us up or find a permanent home in our hearts… WoW! I send you hugs and love!
well said Elizabeth. It’s never a good idea to hold on to anger, it surely eats us up.
thanks for the comment
I am feeling less angry now… just only lingering feeling of frustrations left and I am working on it
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Allah love to be loved !
When we love Allah, He send upon us peace.
When I believe that Allah is guiding me then I don’t care who is pointing a finger at me. They can’t make me angry.
So, my dear, don’t care of them. Just follow the instructions you got from beloved Allah.
May Allah send peace upon us.
Well said.
Rafiullah
I will try to remember that advice.
The thing is that I love Allah on my terms.
It’s just that some people have a way of implying that I am not a proper Muslim
And sometimes it bugs me. I mean maybe I am doing something wrong….
that doubt creeps in.
But I know in my heart that I haven’t’ done anything wrong
that i follow his teachings … but at some points doubt creeps in
and when people go overboard with sunnah it just drives me nuts
i am still confused … but am trying to be content the way I am ….
anyways, thanks for taking time out to comment on the confused person post
Hope you had a great Eid
And yes, it is late but…. Eid Mubarak
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Eid Mubarak
And your brutally honest post inspired mine. Thank you for the inspiration… It takes courage to be this open. Also,what I wrote is advice to me too. I suspect you got that. Hugs! 
Glad my frustrated post was an inspiration to someone else.
And the good part is that now your inspirational post has inspired me
thanks and hugs
Poignant, powerful — much needed to ink ! One of your best pieces. As a Sufi, I practice zikr, through which it is a direct link to Allah – our society is infested with many people becoming demi-gods in search of being closer to Him, which I find such dogmas quite disheartening, the rigidity and diabolical standards amongst humans and their pseudo demi-god professing. Well, I relished your poem as it is honest in how you feel. Keep penning.
Allah hoo.
p.s. I did get your lovely msg on the book post. buhut shukria Amira ji.
Shaheen G
glad to see your comment. And yes, Zikr does help.
demi-Gods is the right word to describe some of these mullah the so called Sheikhs.
I wish they could become more grounded more down to earth.
I just get so confused at times
True, them demi-gods! Ah, if you get a chance, read my poem “In the Name of Honour”, it is about patriarchal and demi-god creatures who took a life of a woman – the poem is exactly how it was in reality.
Keep penning, it is a catharsis when the tongue becomes dry from speaking, Amira sahiba ! Cheers, dear!
great write, amira…thanks, reminds me how important it is to let it go…sometimes.
peace be with you…
thanks sunshine.
our minds and hearts need to be so very flexible. when it hardens, it’s difficult to absorb things that goes around us. we need to find inner peace
I agree!
I hope all is well with you now, your poem is filled with so much hurt, so much emotion… i can feel how unsettled you are.. ooh so beautifully sad..
That was a particularly depressing day. Have moved on from that
thanks for the lovely visit and comment