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I have been reading life in a gay perspective for sometime.
No! It’s not intentional as in going out and selecting gay material. It’s just part of my daily reading. I read mvblogs.org regularly. I see all the posts in brief but choose to read only those that interest me. One may ask what interests me – is it just gay stuff that I end up reading? To this I have to say No! What interests me is human emotions, feelings, inner thoughts, which really translates into rants and ramblings that tries to make meaning out of life.

I guess like-minded people goes out looking for other like-minded people. That’s human nature. I am a confused, disillusioned person trying my best to be content with the absurdity of life, especially in such a messed up place I call my home, my community, my country.

Back to the gay discourse. Sometime back, more like years back, the thought of that (the gayness) left a disgusting feel in my gut. I mean – man to man, woman to woman!!! God has made both sexes for a reason right? Each with its specialty and all. So yes! I used to think that it is just human mentality that leads them to believe they have feelings for the same-sex, that they find nothing attractive in the opposite sex. I used to believe, this was just a manifestation of their own rebellious feelings towards being told not to do or act in a certain way!

I read a bit on psychology and that led me to believe that these feelings can be manifested due to childhood trauma (or experience – good or bad, how one may put it). These feelings can also be due to the thrill factor, the “going against norms” syndrome. There is to some extent reflections of religious rebellion. That it is in the mind and what we choose to believe over what we should believe that brings those feelings (now don’t ask me for reference on any of this – I’m just writing my mind out).

So yes! From feeling disgusted about homosexuality, I have slowly come to the point where I am starting to respect their feelings. That makes me more confused because I want to believe what religions say about homosexuality; that this is a temporary plan of existence where we are tested in different ways.

But you see, all of humanity ends up doing immoral things. Liars, thieves, child molesters, wife beaters, adulterers, murderers, you name it… Society ends up making excuses for these “anomalies” at varying degrees. We don’t outcast them entirely. But why do we label or outcast people who confesses to homosexual feelings? I know, I know!!! It is strongly condemned in religion… It is taboo esp in a country like Maldives with no other religion but Islam. But so is murder. So is adultery.

This change of mentality could be also attributed to the gay propaganda in popular culture being bombarded at us with such conviction!!?? But maybe not. Gay mentality has been there from ancient times … history is a witness to that. Anyways, to me, this has been something very foreign until recently. Reading words and thoughts of Maldivian gays leaves a more profound mark – i guess it’s the realization that they are just around the corner, a friend, a colleague.

When I read thoughts of gay people with such depth and feelings (see here for instance) I can’t help feel sympathetic towards them and their ideology. I will still cringe at the sight of man and man. But that will be hypocrisy. I mean who am I to judge them when I am all messed up in my head and have fallen in love (infatuated maybe) with someone I can’t have. I can’t have him because of societal norms; because of the mentality I have developed over the years through my upbringing, a mentality that fits the society – of what’s right and what’s wrong.

This wretched feeling that I have, that of hiding my true feelings towards what I have and what I don’t have, and what I can’t have – I believe are akin to the feelings manifested by the homosexual community. They feel this strong feeling of oneness towards someone of the same sex, but is not able to openly show it because of the society or the ideology of this confused human species.

But then again, when I think  about it I guess I get this message in a corner of my mind or my heart which says we need to have the ability to restrain these feelings for the sake of mankind, for humanity, for the continuity of the human race. If all of us were to give into our temperamental feelings we would not be any different from animals.

No offense to anyone. I am only talking about myself! :)

What would happen if I were to follow my heart and say to hell with the societal norms and land myself at his feet? Mind you! There is nothing more I want to do, crave to do, right now. Alas! my doing so will ruin my family and it might even not workout in the end. For, this could be just lust, could be an allure for the thrill of guilty pleasures, pleasures of doing something I ought not be doing.

The bottom-line is I think sometimes, we need to abide by a normality, morality, spirituality, biology, and whatever; and sometimes we need to follow our heart for the happiness that it would give us – no matter how short lived or how peculiar our wants are. I told you! I am confused.

I salute everyone out there who is bold enough to follow their heart to be happy. As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else in the process; but that’s a tall order I suppose!