Find peace

Things have been tense.
He is leaving. I am forcing him to leave.
He has been very vulgar and very angry about it all.
He even involved the elder child in it.
I didn’t tell him anything.
My husband is making a fool of himself.
Life is miserable — feels as if if am walking on egg shells.

But I am hopeful my future is going to be better without him.
I will be better without him. I will be!
It does not matter whether I have a man next to my side.
Walking alone is better than having him with me.

I do feel very sad though. What a waste my life has been. Trying to make it work.
And after so many years of togtherness, it has eventually come to this point of no return.

I haven’t done anything constructive for so many days now.
I wake up, I rush out by the time my younger child leaves to school.
I stay out as much as I can, cause living under the same roof as my husband is so claustrophobic. It’s killing me.
It’s like as if there is a force that sucks out all the energy in me.

Please make sure you don’t do this to your marriage.
Please do everything humanly possible to make it work.
If you are not willing to put in the energy, then end it.

Don’t torture yourself and your spouce, if you don’t like him/her at all.
If you are staying, find a way to be happy with him/her. Find a common ground. Talk daily. Laugh daily. Hold hands daily. Sex is not the only thing in this world.
Build a friendship.

Ah well. that’s me today.
I have cried like never in my life in the past few weeks.
I have cried of fear, of sadness, of aloneness, of strength.
I have cried of happiness, of relief, of sheer relief, of the liberation of the supressed agonised voice…
I feel I am going to get a chance at living after years of an oppressive sadistic marriage.

Wish me luck.