Here I am. Not much to do. Enough to do, but nothing that cannot wait. So yes, am just thinking about this new year that has just started. And with that, can’t help and just reflect on the year that has ended. It has been an eventful year as well as a boring year as well as a daring year.
January began with privacy at last. My home just for myself from December the previous year. Swimming for babes ended on January 15 & School reopened 14 January. It was boring and slow before school started. After that time flew in a sense. The sorrow was all around – sorrow of having said bye indefinitely. Had a soul to soul with a dearest friend talking about crazy men in my life. And incidentally she also was in the same boat and we called it mid-life crisis and laughed a bit at life’s jokes.
February was really bad. the loneliness, the idleness, no heart in doing anything. Just wasted time. Read a bit. No movies at all since November. There was just no mood for anything. Finally on 6 or thereabouts voiced out the want for a divorce, in a rough fight. Decided this was it. Asked help of a kind soul to come to sort out stuff with the kids. Ended up changing my mind to respect his request and also taking the welfare of the children into consideration. Things got a bit better – but then found out about his other side – the log, and I again fell into the deep hole.
March was like a broken record. Repeat of more loneliness, more sorrow, cravings, a need, daydreaming, fantasizing, just doing anything to get me in the mood to face the current pathetic life. But nothing helped.
April and finally prayers were answered and it felt like I was shown the right path. Mind was made. I decided I didn’t want anything more than friendship. But I want friendship which means I cannot keep the brick wall up anymore. Broke down the wall and things were OK. But both trying to keep our end of the bargain. It was a nice feeling. Had a nice time overall. April lifted my spirits and managed to concentrate on more work.
Busied myself with applications and pending work – and was more positive too – compared to what I had been through the previous three-month and more. And then, things again went from bad to worse with the you-know-who and once again I decided. Yes, with a prayer and all I decided it was it. The end. But ta-DA! Fate had something else for me. My sanctuary was taken away from me. My prayer and the light that I thought I saw was just a mirage. An imagination! Wishful thinking. I was back in that deep dark spiraling pit with no end.
I needed a savior. I needed to numb my mind. I needed some attention and I craved freedom. And somehow things aligned. time, wish, crave, freedom and one thing led to the other … The month ended with one big bang. I did something I never thought I will do. It broke me but it also energized me. I have mixed feelings about it even now.
Come May I was totally up-to my neck with activity. Online, offline, working, volunteering, etc. Busy as a bee and fragile and on edge all at the same time. I guess I was trying to run away or hide from the guilt. To pretend it did not happen. And then, the avoidance also did not help. It broke me into tiny pieces. I really did not know what to do with myself. The word heady and giddy also should be added to this month. For the first time in my life I wanted to experience what it felt like to smoke. It was a weird thing really. I was almost ready to steal a cigarette. I can even now recall that feeling, that want, that urge. I just wanted to taste it. Anyways…
And of all the time, a very beautiful friendship started and bloomed. A friendship of words, of mysticism, of I don’t know … something just beautiful.
June – I was trying to be very brave and not breakdown completely. Things started to bounce back a bit. Lots of mystical messages were exchanged which really did not make much sense in one sense. But it was good. At least it was something to look forward to, something that made each day special. Something that made me stop brood about spilled milk.
July – was good. Something I really needed badly, happened. It was like reaching the seventh sky. Mid-way July life started in a new place, new people, new stuff and it was all good. With it of-course, things also started to go haywire. Lost two beautiful people from my life. They just dwindled off for various reasons. Main reasons: I don’t know! I know. I was busy as I needed to be busy. But I tried. But I guess what I had to offer was not enough and they got fed-up!? Whatever it was, I was living in a limbo.
How months after that rolled out into one another I really have no idea because the days just kept on going very fast. I wake up, I work, I sleep and repeat. And work has been really hectic and a roller coaster really with all the travels, the paperwork, the new concepts, the team getting bigger by the month etc. July was full of lots of reading and getting the hang of it.
August – I was at the heart of India, September – deep into paperwork, October was totally on the go. October began with great news. Or maybe not that great given the shitty time-frame!
November – well — how it started and ended I don’t know.
the days just passed like seconds. Such hectic work schedule. So much frenzy. The first half (entire 15 days, every minute of it) was also drama about a divorce which never happened. I will always give in, now I know that. The most teary eyed I was for the year, I was during that time. The most shittiest I felt, I felt at that time. The most angered I felt, I felt at that time. And above all, the most alone I felt – I felt at that time. I needed a helping hand the most and there was none. Once again, I ended being the sensible person, the self-reliant, solid-as-a-rock human being, the sacrificing stupid woman!
And for a few days between 18 to 23ish, the craving was at a frenzy. I was ready to bolt with a little nudge. Sadly, or maybe not, the nudge never came. There was only a hollow reverberating silence and a sense of deep guilt and shame. But really, there is nothing to be ashamed of.
December? Well it was December. It ended faster than November. On the go, so much work, not a breather even. I guess I was on a high. The adrenaline of all the deadlines, just too much. But oh my god the love I received from those people. Beautiful, hardworking people of our islands. I simply loved meeting them. So yes! December ended while I was packing away for a new move. And also in that green four-wheel, life ahead looked a bit ok.
And here I am on the 12th Day of January and it feels like 2013 was just a very short few days with lots of lessons, heart breaks, triumphs, sighs, what-ifs, missed opportunities, putting others first and myself last. All in all, a typical year for me I suppose.
What lessons do I take for the year ahead?
How about stop thinking about escapism? How about learning to accept what fate has to offer? How about just living a day at a time without leaping ahead with plans? How about slowing down a bit and enjoy the scenery? How about stopping dreaming? How about killing someone? (just joking)