What a year this has been. The happiest I have been, I have been this year – it was pretty short. The unhappiest I have been, I have been this year – quite prolonged and dark and shattering. This year holds the record of working around the clock to earn a living – for a stretch of months not a single day off. This year also saw me bouncing back and out of debt, standing tall. The shittiest things to happen to people around me, people who I care about, happened this year. The atrocities of children could be such damaging. This year, unlike other years I did not travel outside the country, nonetheless I did squeeze in a lone long road trip to close the year. This year, my home got robbed the first time. There was an earlier attempt in another place, another time – but that poor guy somehow managed to fall off the balcony and die on the spot. The invasion into the privacy of my home left me shattered and vulnerable and I still reel from the shock of such an insignificant event. The most nerve-wracking job interview ever, happened this year – the outcome not the most ideal but not the worst either. New promises happened this year and hopes and dreams got shattered too this year. Health has been the worst this year – no not the worst! The worst was 2014. This year can be counted as a second. But this year finally brought answers and solutions to the puzzling signs and symptoms and fuzzy diagnosis of before. Above all, this year I have said things to people straight to their face instead of always trying to be the polite diplomatic person. I just got too tired of thinking of everyone else. Once and for all I want to look after myself first and then attend to the others under my responsibility, and those who might have a future place in my life by being my daughter-in-law etc. But my god! it’s not the easiest to do when everyone around me never seems to grow up, never seems to mature, never seems to understand what responsibility is. Maybe I just have my standards too high. I do get that I need to tone down 🙂
Alas! I have never felt more isolated as I am feeling at this very moment, looking at the setting sun for the last time for this calendar year of 2016. Kids far away across the ocean, no real friends in this strange place and time due to a lot of reasons that I had no control of. Family and siblings reachable only by a long distant invisible wireless line. Right this minute I crave for a hug, a reassuring, warm, protective hug.
Walking here alone
surrounded by the buzz of people
near and far in their own merriment,
makes me feel more isolated and bemoan.
It’s not loneliness, it’s neither solitude.
It’s like a void, a hollowness inside.
Standing here alone
looking at the vast horizon
basking in the orange haze of the setting sun
feeling the cool evening breeze on my tired skin
the warmth of another summer day scorching the terrain
witnessing the miracles of God in the plants all green
makes me feel lucky, liberated, humane.
Walking in the dark, alone
guided by a cresent moon
I introspect in to the year that has gone
a year so short yet full of lessons
lessons of love and friendship
lessons of parental failures and failed relationships
lessons of resilience and the vastness of the world
all of it makes me feel like a rock
I would rather not be a rock
I would rather be a rolling stone
I would rather have no roots
I would rather be free as a bird
But I take that back
I cherish the lessons I’ve learned in this journey
I cherish my children, my life, my mother, and siblings
I succumb to fate, faith & destiny
I succumb to myself, the inner me & the silent tremors
I pray happiness to me and everyone else out there
I pray for those hiding a tear behind their smile and laughter
I pray for those with anguished hearts for the hardship of life
I pray for those warriors who plough through life no matter what.
May the new year bring more happiness and less sorrows.
This video for my adolescent son running haywire, thinks he is an idealist, have no patience, and thinks he knows it all, expects immediate gratification.
Oh, and to other millennials too 🙂